The Oscar awards ceremony is on TV tonight, and I can’t watch. I have it on, but it’s playing in the background.

I’m pacing. I can’t sit. I can’t listen. I can’t concentrate. It makes me want to cry.

I don’t have a proper sofa or chair to sit in. When I sit on the daybed in front of the TV, I can only stay there for a short time. It might be one or two minutes.

I’ve had my meds for today. I could take more clonazepam, but that would just make me sleepy.

I feel damaged.

What is there inside my brain that disallows me from simple pleasures? Why can’t I sit and watch TV? Because something isn’t working.

I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I’m winning tonight.