I’m not feeling too swift today. I’m down. I’ve got old tapes playing in my head causing low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and plain ol’ blue.
It started when one of my “friends” on a social web site posted a link to an article about ex-gay therapy. There was a picture with the link supposedly of a man who used to be gay and is now straight. He didn’t look happy. He looked like a wet, cornered cat ready to pounce to protect itself.
I grew up in a house that was rabidly fundamentalist in its Christian beliefs, and I was told directly that if I ever came out of the closet as gay I would be thrown out of the house. Those are tough words to hear as a teenager, and they caused a lot of fear.
Dutifully, I remained in the closet for 20 more years and put myself and those around me through hell. I am living proof that a gay person can’t be straight. Trying to be straight warped my world. I abused alcohol because of the tension. I abused my relationships with others. I hurt people and myself.
So, today I feel crappy. What am I doing with those feelings? How am I winning against the onslaught of depressive emotions?
I practiced a very simple ritual. I lifted my hands upward and said these words, “To the Universe, I release the old feelings that are surfacing. I release the old fear. I embrace the love the Universe gives me. I bathe in the light of good.”
Did I instantly feel uplifted? Hell, no. But then I got the notion that my small ritual needed to be shared, so I came to my blog. Sharing makes me feel a little better. It’s a small step.
Now, I think it’s nap time.