Depression Mutated to Anger

Rage.

This morning I dreamt of someone I dislike, and I was really letting her have it. I was calling her names, and I was recalling past offenses she’d committed against me and my family. I was vicious, and I was eating it up. I was feeding on it.

Needless to say, I did not wake up on the right side of the bed. I’ve drifted between gloom and anger all day. At times, I’ve felt rage.

My therapist tells me that everyone in my dreams is just me. It’s all about my perception of me. So, I was really yelling at myself, and the rage was directed at me.

I can see that. My depression is such today that I can understand self-directed anger. I dislike myself, so I verbally abuse myself. I’ve been doing it inside my head for days. Words of hate and vitriol and vile depictions of myself roll around inside my head.

In front of the mirror, I mouth abusive torrents of vile scorn. It pours out.

What am I winning at today? What have I done to show some level of self-care? I ate wholesome food for dinner. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch, but I did eat dinner. And I ate some chocolate dipped in peanut butter.

Oh, I took my meds, of course. I’d really be a basket case without those.

I talked to my case worker where I see my psychiatrist and told him what was going on. He knows me well, so the first thing he asked was whether I’d brushed my teeth. This morning I had but not last night. I simply didn’t see the need.

Tonight, I’ll brush my teeth before bed. I may even floss.

Tomorrow, I may make a gratitude list. Maybe.

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3 thoughts on “Depression Mutated to Anger

  1. You are loved. And you know, there’s a reason there’s a band called Rage Against the Machine. And it really is OK to yell at the people who deserve it, even if you’re doing it in your head and it feels like you’re yelling at yourself.

    Meds, check. Chocolate and peanut butter, check. Brushed teeth, check. Call in to your Support Staff, check. Floss, possible check. Talking to yourself in the mirror, check.

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that while, in general, I agree with the idea that ultimately we’re all just talking to ourselves, I’d also suggest that when people really screw us over we get to yell at them too. Even if it’s just in our mirrors.

    Not sure how you start off a gratitude list, but I will say that I am grateful that you are in my life as a friend and mentor. I am grateful that you have allowed yourself to reach out at the very times when you have found it the most difficult. And I am grateful, every day, when I see your young family members on my regular route through life, to see clear evidence of their absolute joy and confidence in life. I know this is because of their parents. So maybe you hurt because of brain chemistry. And maybe you hurt because you’re more honest than most of us. And maybe you hurt because you really feel emotions in a very deep, cellular way.

    But you also inspire, and guide, and parent, and honor the truth of those around you with grace and true wisdom.

    Every breath you breathe enhances the universe. So as you are in a phase where you find yourself having to take every breath very deliberately, deciding to breathe again and again, please remember that I’m grateful for each and every one of those decisions to keep breathing.

    Love and light and relief vibes going your way. You precious, precious friend.

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