A damn shame

My psychiatrist is moving. He’s actually being transferred from one public clinic to another one in a town two hours away. I’ve been seeing this doctor for three and a half years. He knows me inside and out. I’ve built a solid relationship with him.

Now, I’m going to have to start all over again. His replacement is a nurse practitioner. That’s not the problem. The difficulty lies in dealing with somebody new. I’m going to have to build a new relationship, and that takes time and effort.

I’ve been feeling like quitting lately. Not life. Everything else. I want to cut myself off from all the hurt the world throws about. I have been seriously thinking of quitting the few clubs I belong to. I want to lie down and sleep. Just sleep.

Simultaneously, I’ve been putting out personal ads asking for men interested in long-term relationships. I’m tired of hurting, and instead, I want touch. I want intimacy, yet I desire isolation.

I am conflicted.

This too shall pass.

2 thoughts on “A damn shame

  1. Dearest Babylove…..I grieve for you as few can. I have come to love you and no one, no one can feel this…this….betrayal as I do. No, not deliberate betrayal on your doc’s part. I don’t mean that. But beginning all over???!!!!!! Ye gods and demons, I have been forced into those identical circumstances so often it cracks my bloody heart wide open.

    Starting from the beginning. With a stranger. A compassioante, intelligent stranger that may be an answer to a prayer wept in the dark solitude of disappointment and despair, or an clinically detatched fool that interprets every word from your trembling lips as ununique to your own beautiful and singular pain and personailty. Baring your soul to god knows what sort of a person.

    I know this is an old post, but I pray with all my heart you found what you so badly needed.

  2. ….and, Babylove….tread with extraordinary caution in your search for social companionship. We are most dificult to understand, as we are changable, difficult to comprehend and often, to tolerate without suffering catastrophic anguish and consequences. We are the easiest target for abuse.

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