Mania. It’s a strange mixture of feelings of invincibility and depression. It’s euphoria mixed with self-loathinig for me. I woke up in the middle of the night again tonight. It’s a desperate desire to be normal added to a feeling that I never will be, which triggers self-hatred.
I was depressed. Desperately depressed, so the doctor reluctantly put me on a low dose of an antidepressant not wanting to trigger a manic episode. After 2 months, I can see he was right. I can’t go back to that blackness, but I’m on the edge of dangerous behavior. No, I’m not on the edge; I’m living dangerously.
I’m also having these unreasonable urges to go out and spend and spend and spend money which I do not have. I know that’s part of the disease, but where does this crap come from? Jeez!
I’m calling the doctor first thing in the morning, and I’m going to ask to go off the antidepressants or change them. I’m going to be open and honest as I have been in the past. I’m going to calmly advocate for myself as I have done in the past.