Just “ugh”

Mania. It’s a strange mixture of feelings of invincibility and depression. It’s euphoria mixed with self-loathinig for me. I woke up in the middle of the night again tonight. It’s a desperate desire to be normal added to a feeling that I never will be, which triggers self-hatred.

I was depressed. Desperately depressed, so the doctor reluctantly put me on a low dose of an antidepressant not wanting to trigger a manic episode. After 2 months, I can see he was right. I can’t go back to that blackness, but I’m on the edge of dangerous behavior. No, I’m not on the edge; I’m living dangerously.

I’m also having these unreasonable urges to go out and spend and spend and spend money which I do not have. I know that’s part of the disease, but where does this crap come from? Jeez!

I’m calling the doctor first thing in the morning, and I’m going to ask to go off the antidepressants or change them. I’m going to be open and honest as I have been in the past. I’m going to calmly advocate for myself as I have done in the past.

Sigh.

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2 thoughts on “Just “ugh”

  1. You can ask, but please listen to the doctor. If he/she does not agree that it is a good idea to go off the meds, wait awhile then ask again. I speak from experience with other medications. You are not the only one of us who insists on self-diagnosis. lol

    Be sure this is not your mania asking for release. Remember the story I told you about telling my sponsor that I felt odd. I described my “symptoms” and he told me that what I was feeling was serenity. (It felt a lot like boredom to this drama-addicted person.)

  2. Have you ever heard of a medication-alternative called Empower? It has literally saved my life: http://www.truehope.com/default.aspx. You seem like someone who questions the status quo and insists on being an active participant in your own wellness. That takes an enormous amount of courage. Keep fighting the good fight, and don’t ever believe the lie that you’re incapable of making sound decisions for your own well-being! (In our moments of instability, yes, we need guidance – that doesn’t mean we should have the power taken out of our hands. We have a right to make informed decisions, and to be in control of our own lives.)

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