Thank goodness emotions are fleeting, because I’m feeling quite useless and sad at the moment. I just got off the phone with a friend whose psychiatrist diagnosed him with clinical major depression many years ago, and he’s been hospitalized for it twice. Through all his tribulations, he focuses on having a job. He gets an enormous boost of self-esteem from being employed. He’s currently without a job but has received an offer pending a physical, which he is sure to pass.
I am unemployable. I last worked at the end of 2008 for two short months, and it left me catatonic. I was literally paralyzed with fear on my sofa one workday. I couldn’t move to go in to the office nor even call in sick. I resigned two days later. Prior to that, my periods of employment were spotty. It’s hard to work and take the heavy sedatives I am prescribed.
I had two long-term periods of employment before I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. I was self-medicating with alcohol at the time, however. Still, I managed to keep two very good jobs. I don’t think about those times often anymore, but I wonder now and then whether I could handle working again. Then I remember lying on the sofa in 2008 scared to death to move or call for help.
Possibly, I will work again, but for the present, I’m best off taking care of myself and letting other people help take care of me, too. I’m learning to reach out and ask for help. I’m learning to confide in trusted friends and those in my circle of support.
Writing this little bit helps relieve the stress and anxiety. My therapist tells me fear hates to be in the open. It hates to be talked about, because it then loses some of its power. She’s right. My little bit of therapy for today is done. Now, I think I’ll fix myself a healthy dinner.