Interior Wounds and Exterior Smiles

I hurt.

I have just come from a psychotherapy appointment where I laid bare my latest problems. I’m hyper-sexual, and I’m spending money.

I can’t remember whether I’ve written about this or whether that even matters, but bipolar disorder has many seasonal symptoms. I have first-hand knowledge that when the seasons change, my illness demonstrates its hold on me. I often don’t realize it, until it’s almost over or completely over. I’m in one of those periods now, or perhaps I’m coming out of it.

Hyper-sexuality and spending money are symptoms of mania, and I’m manic. My decisions are sometimes flawed now.

However, I have a resolve not to feel shame or guilt. I spoke openly about my recent sexual forays to my therapist, and I will continue to do so. Next, I have to gain the courage to call my nurse and report my mania to her. Sometimes her bedside manner is lacking, and I’m reluctant to talk openly. I am thankful to have friends, old and new. The healing began after my last post here when a correspondent wrote me offering to listen. I wrote back about my troubles. That opening allowed me to chat with my best friend without fear, and then today, I spoke at depth to my therapist.

My money situation is not a problem to my mind. I budgeted some large purchases very recently. All my bills are covered. I will not accept negative looks and judgement about my actions there.

Outside, I’m all smiles.

It’s a mask, and I’m not ready to write about it.

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5 thoughts on “Interior Wounds and Exterior Smiles

  1. Two steps forward, one step back. All part of life and the recovery process. You bumped up against some old shadows, got caught up for a time, but you recognized them, are dealing with them, and moving on without self judgement or guilt. All very rational. If the nurse has a poor bedside manner, it’s due to her shortcomings, not yours. Forgive her ignorance even before you pickup the phone to call. You have overcome many challenges and this too shall pass. Stay well!

  2. FYI

    Sent from my iPad

    Begin forwarded message:

    > From: “recovery network: Toronto” > Date: October 24, 2013 at 11:27:32 AM EDT > To: > Subject: [New post] When Doctors Discriminate > Reply-To: “recovery network: Toronto” > > >

  3. I was just thinking about you today, as I’m discovering blogs by people with Aspergers and Autism – no relevance to your blog, except the awareness that the internet is such a great place for people to share what being ‘different’ to the norm is like from the inside. It made me realise that we’ve not heard from you for a while. I hope you’re doing ok. You’re always welcome to email me privately. x

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