A Hurdle

Yesterday was bleak. I awoke with anxiety, and it stayed with me all day.

Maybe it’s because I’ve come so far in the years I’ve been recovering from bipolar disorder, but I really feel my dysfunctional habits. I live with a lot of anxiety and fear. I fixate on the future instead of living in the present, which means I worry. I concentrate on ideas of how to fix my life instead of enjoying the wonderful stuff I have going on.

There’s a lot of good in my life. After years on disability, I have a good job. I live in a nice townhouse that has good furniture. I eat food that’s really good for me. I’m 99% vegetarian only eating fish when there are no other choices. I eat very little refined sugar. I exercise 4 or 5 mornings every week by speed walking 3 miles. I lost 55 pounds in the last 17 months.

I have friends. I have sexual liaisons. I get along well with the people I work with.

But there are times the anxiety is overpowering. It just comes.

A lot of memories are surfacing these days. I was raised in an authoritarian religion that traumatized me. From my earliest memories, I heard preachers say I was evil and going to hell simply for being alive. When I got older and began to feel different but didn’t know why, I remember hearing that gay men were irredeemable. There was no salvation for them, and I suspected they were talking about me. Soon enough I knew they were talking about me.

All this is coming up now for whatever reason, and it hurts. Yesterday it was a storm in my head. I tried to meditate once, but it was furtive. In the evening, I did my whole meditative ritual which helped. It at least gave me a chance to name what it was that was happening. I was grieving my childhood traumas.

I think grief is important. It’s a recognition that bad stuff happened. It’s necessary to mark it and spend some time in it. The grief will end. I will choose to come out of it, but I get to decide when that happens.

At bedtime, I took an anti-anxiety pill that also puts me to sleep, so this morning, I feel better. I’ve also contacted my therapist asking about an extra session. I walked this morning, too. My meditation was fairly good.

I’m using my tools. I’ll get over this hurdle.

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