Roller Coaster

Today, I am calmly anxious. Is that possible? I am functioning and getting work done, but I’m waiting for some news. I’ve been waiting for five days, and I have to continue to wait, and that makes me anxious.

Anxiety is part of bipolar disorder that is the most difficult for me to deal with these days. The medication keeps me stable, so I don’t have the swings of depression and mania. The anxiety is different. I talk about it at every therapy session.

The current anxiety is related to something I did last week. I reached out to my ex asking if he would like to talk. Reaching out to him was a decision that took me a long time to consider. A few days later, he replied asking what I wanted to talk about, and I answered that I wished to discuss whether or not reconciliation might be possible.

There are three possible outcomes. He may not reply at all, he may say he doesn’t wish to talk, or he may say that he would like to talk. The first possibility will take longer for me to process. The other two give firmer feelings for me. Right now, I’m living in the ambiguity of waiting, which is not a space I’m comfortable in. Actually, writing about it here has helped release a lot of anxiety. That’s always true for me. Whenever I speak about a worry, it loses its power.

I’m at peace with any outcome. I’ve meditated about this numerous times and will probably repeat it more. Meditation is free and easy. It gives me clarity in the midst of the anxiety. My favorite part of it is that it is limitless. I can use it as often as necessary.

After writing, I’m calm. For the moment, I’m no longer anxious. I’m grateful for this moment.

4 thoughts on “Roller Coaster

  1. Sending you “sisterly (((hugs)))”.

    Yes, I too find the symptom of magnefied anxiety suffocating at times. I like what you’ve pointed out regarding many symptoms & moods – they’re temporary, this too shall pass.
    Reminding myself of this does ease the severity. Other times, I swear I feel like that whacky squirrel from the Ice-Age movies! Lol
    A neurotic, hyper-sensitive, mass of cells desperately craving a sense of peace or at least, “just let me have my nut!” lol
    In a personal growth workshop today; I was reminded to ask myself “what does this symptom/state of mind want?” what purpose is this ever so exhausting character “anxiety” trying to communicate? Is it even worth exploring?
    That all being said, I too wish you all the best with the outcome of your courage in reaching out to your ex. ☺

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