Last night, the man I call my ex came to dinner. I invited him earlier in the week, and he agreed.
I didn’t cook anything elaborate: pasta with pesto, garlic toast, and salad.
I began to get nervous in the morning yesterday, and by the afternoon, I was scared. The fear was coming out in lots of very odd ways. It was focused on all different kinds of objects. I was afraid of stuff at work. I got worried about retirement, which is a long way off.
I was able to chat with my best friend, and just being heard helped me calm down for a while. Then, I got home, and I was honestly panicking. I was certain I was going to lose my job and live on the streets. I was positive that all the changes I’ve made in my life in the past 3 or 4 years were disasters. I told myself I should have never taken my present job and should have stayed on disability.
All of this was redirected anxiety about the date. The truth was I was scared of seeing him again. I was scared of rejection.
My best friend helped me remember to concentrate on one thing at a time. All I had to do was prepare the garlic toast and salad and cook the pasta. That’s all I had to do. So I concentrated on preparing dinner. It was very simple to cook the pasta. The whole thing was easy, but it felt good to get into the actions in the kitchen.
And it paid off nicely. We had a good evening. I kept the conversation light. We had some laughs. The whole evening was good.
The result is he’s no longer my ex. We’re dating. Now comes the hard part for me. I have to allow this relationship to develop slowly and at its own pace. I can’t rush.
I’m going to have to allow. Allow. That word is foreign to me.
I’m going to have to use meditation techniques to the fullest.
I’m going to have to breathe through this.