I broke up with the man I was dating last month, as regular readers know. I didn’t call him my boyfriend, because I hardly saw him. He had no time for me since he worked long hours every day of the week. It was an amicable break up.
There was another man that I met first who was very interesting. I wanted to date him when I met him, but he wasn’t interested in dating anyone, so we just became friends. Recently, he’s said he is thinking of starting to date. At the same time, he’s made it plain to me that he’s not interested in dating me. I’ve been friend-zoned.
All this hurts. Now I have to get back into the scene and start meeting men and experiencing all the rejection that goes with that experience. Sigh. There’s no other way around it, though. I dread it. I’ve been rejected for living with a mental illness in the past, and getting back into the scene means having to disclose that fact all over again to each man I meet. It sucks. There’s so much misinformation and stigma in the world. Bipolar disorder is so little understood by the average man.
All this has affected my mood. I’m sad. Really sad at times. This morning, I was despondent. Thankfully, I have a best friend who talked to me. My therapist was full, so no available time for a session, but he took time for a phone call, which I was very grateful for.
When I started this blog nine years ago, I was single and not really capable of having a relationship. Over the ensuing years, I’ve done tremendous work and got to a place in my recovery where I feel like I am worthy of a good relationship. Saying “I am worthy” and meaning it is light-years ahead of where I used to be. I don’t think it’s easy to say how important that realization is: I am worthy of a good relationship.
I’m also ready for one, so it’s back into the scene I go. Wish me luck.