Feeling Good

Being me is a full-time job. (That is unrelated to this post, but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about.)

I had a good meditation this morning. My meditation is changing a little. I have no idea if this is a permanent change or something that’s just happening because I need it right now.

When I meditate, I process stuff from my life. I release a lot of fear by visualizing myself gently pulling it out. I also get a good indication of what my daily energy feels like.

Lately, I’ve been doing less of the processing, and I’ve been spending more time just trying to concentrate on the breathing. Of course, my mind wanders, which is what it’s meant to do. I let it wander and then bring it back to the breathing without judging the fact it wandered. Letting go of the judging is key. It’s just wandering. It’s meaningless, so why get upset about it?

That’s trite to write it like that. I don’t remember when I was able to release the judgment, but it happened. I just kept returning my concentration to the breathing, and over time, the judgment attached to the wandering mind dissipated.

When I think about it, the mind is actually quite beautiful. It’s always busy trying to figure out what’s going on around me. Mine has a lot to do figuring out what’s going on inside me.

But the mind is not the most important thing I have going for me. Somehow being able to get a few good breaths with good concentration is more important than what the mind is doing. And when I’m in the middle of those breaths, I absolutely love my mind deeply. I love its wanderings.

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Roller Coaster

Today, I am calmly anxious. Is that possible? I am functioning and getting work done, but I’m waiting for some news. I’ve been waiting for five days, and I have to continue to wait, and that makes me anxious.

Anxiety is part of bipolar disorder that is the most difficult for me to deal with these days. The medication keeps me stable, so I don’t have the swings of depression and mania. The anxiety is different. I talk about it at every therapy session.

The current anxiety is related to something I did last week. I reached out to my ex asking if he would like to talk. Reaching out to him was a decision that took me a long time to consider. A few days later, he replied asking what I wanted to talk about, and I answered that I wished to discuss whether or not reconciliation might be possible.

There are three possible outcomes. He may not reply at all, he may say he doesn’t wish to talk, or he may say that he would like to talk. The first possibility will take longer for me to process. The other two give firmer feelings for me. Right now, I’m living in the ambiguity of waiting, which is not a space I’m comfortable in. Actually, writing about it here has helped release a lot of anxiety. That’s always true for me. Whenever I speak about a worry, it loses its power.

I’m at peace with any outcome. I’ve meditated about this numerous times and will probably repeat it more. Meditation is free and easy. It gives me clarity in the midst of the anxiety. My favorite part of it is that it is limitless. I can use it as often as necessary.

After writing, I’m calm. For the moment, I’m no longer anxious. I’m grateful for this moment.

How to Meditate

I was just reminded talking to a friend how our preconceptions of meditation are wrong. It is not emptying the mind.

Meditation is breathing.

Sit comfortably. I sit on a stool with a cushion. Relax. Try to relax as much as you can while maintaining yourself in the seated posture.

Now simply concentrate on the motion of your diaphragm as you breathe. It rises when you inhale, and falls on the exhale.

Thoughts will come. It’s completely natural, and you cannot stop it. When you realize your mind has wandered, tell the thought that it has had its time, but now you’re going to go back to concentrating on your breath and diaphragm. Return your concentration to that.

Give yourself a small goal of trying to concentrate for 3 breaths. Then you’re mind will wander again, and you will return it to your breathing.

Don’t judge the thoughts. Don’t judge the fact that your mind wandered. Just allow it. If you find that you do judge it when your mind wanders, ask yourself why you’re judging. Then return your thoughts to your breathing again.

Concentrate on breathing. Allow the wandering mind. Return to concentrating on breathing. Over and over.

That’s it. That’s all meditation is. Nothing more.

Another Point of Gratitude

Today, I am grateful for a quiet place to meditate. I woke up late this morning, so my routine was curtailed a great deal. I only had time for a very short meditation. I could really feel it at work. I was distracted, and I could feel irritation starting to build.

I finished a task at work, and I walked down the street to the cathedral during my break. I sat in the back row and meditated. I sat there and breathed. The New Moon was last night, so I made some wishes, too. I felt so good when I finished. I’m calmer, and I don’t feel any irritation building.

Breathing

I didn’t just walk through the stuff. I breathed through it.

Meditation has worked for me once again. This time I combined a releasing visualization that a good friend walked me through on the phone. The result was astonishing. I felt completely better. I was exhausted after the visualization from releasing all that negativity. I also have a much better view of the end of that relationship.

The visualization is not complicated. Here’s a step-by-step guide, if you want to try it.

  1. Sit comfortably, breathe evenly, and relax.
  2. Ask an angel to be near you.
  3. Imagine you are sitting in a shaft of beautiful blue-green light, and breathe it in over and over.
  4. Imagine a cylinder of white light in front of you.
  5. Imagine all the negativity in you about any particular topic. Ask the angel to help you pull that negativity out. Once it’s out, wad it up into a ball.
  6. Place that ball in the cylinder of light, and ask that it be transformed into something positive. I like asking it to be transformed into the laughter of children or nourishing rain on areas of drought.
  7. Finally, breathe more of the beautiful light you’re sitting in.

That’s it. You did it. The beauty is it can be repeated as often as you want about any topic you want. Don’t be discouraged if the negativity returns. That’s not failure. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years of repeated release for something to leave altogether.

This isn’t a race. My healing took decades. It’s worth it. I feel so good.

Meditation … Again

I’ve written often about how important meditation is to me. You can search for it using the search window on the mobile app, or you can click on the word “meditation” in the column on the right in the desktop version of this blog.

In therapy Tuesday, I talked about work-related stress and how much it was impacting my life. We talked about it, and we talked about how to take away its power. My psychologist knows how important meditation is to me, and he asked if I ever meditated about specific things. I told him yes, so he suggested I meditate about releasing the power stress has over me.

I tired it, and a mantra came to me. I repeat this mantra often now, and it has a very good effect. It is

I have faith. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my work life. I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely fine with not knowing, but I’m willing to sit with the uncertainty and the ambiguity. I’m willing to sit.

It has had an amazing result. I feel lighter. I have slept really well two nights in a row.

Meditation is not as daunting as it sounds. Sit in a chair and concentrate on your breathing. Your thoughts will wander. Try to be gentle with yourself, and don’t get upset with the wandering thoughts. Simply allow the wandering thoughts to have their space, and then gently return your attention to your breath.

When your thoughts wander, you’re not failing. It’s completely normal. Be gentle, and return your attention to your breath. It does not matter how many times you have to return your attention to your breath. You can do it every other breath, if necessary.

Be gentle and breathe.

In order to release negativity, here’s what I do during meditation. I get a feeling for where the negativity is in my body. Sometimes it’s in my stomach, sometimes in my chest, and sometimes in my head. Once I know where it is, I picture its shape. With that shape and location in mind, I then ask an angel to remove it, and I picture it being taken out.

The beauty of this little visualization is that I can repeat it as often as I want. I haven’t failed when the negativity returns. That’s normal. I just release it again.

Be gentle and breathe and release.

Walking Through It

In my last post, I wrote about my recent break up. I’m still experiencing varied moods due to the end of that romantic relationship. I have good days and bad ones.

I’m happy to say I’m using the tools I have, and they help a great deal.

My most important tool is meditation. I am able to release a lot of difficult emotions very quickly and thoroughly by doing some simple meditative techniques I’ve learned over the years. I wrote about one technique in that last post.

I’ve used medication, too. I have some medicine I can take for anxiety. I have used them occasionally. I used them daily just after the break up.

I’ve spoken to my therapist often, and that helps give me clarity.

I’ve chatted with my best friend multiple times each day. He’s a rock in this situation, and I’m grateful for his love and support.

I’ve exercised a lot, too. I’ve walked and walked. I enjoy speed walking, so I do it daily these days.

I’ve been careful with what I eat. I allow myself some junk every once in a while, but I’m careful. I eat an almost completely vegetarian diet. It feels like the right thing for me to do.

I’ve been getting good sleep most nights, which is an enormous help. Sleep resets me, so I can start fresh every morning.

Yesterday was a rough day, but I used the tools, and I survived. Today feels better except for the fact I didn’t get enough sleep for some unknown reason. I’ll be fine.

I can see light at the end of the tunnel.