Suicide Prevention

Tomorrow is National Suicide Prevention Day in the US. I am quite happy with the resource pages I have added to this blog about suicide prevention. Not every country has a suicide prevention phone line, but many do.

I understand suicide, because I was at that point once. That point is an encompassing blackness. There is no light. None. There’s not even a pin prick of light that shines. It is total blackness. At that point, suicide looks like the only solution.

I was lucky. My phone rang at the last possible moment, and I answered it.

Like all people who attempt suicide, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to stop, and I didn’t see other alternatives. I’m so grateful that alternatives were presented to me, and I found a way to begin to heal.

If you are very sad and having scary thoughts of suicide, please call for help. The numbers are on the resource pages of this blog.

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Action and Emotions

Healthy boundaries are important for anyone. I don’t have the best track record at maintaining them, but I am getting better at it.

I recently put in place some new boundaries regarding two exes. The result is I feel peaceful. I took action, and it’s paying off. It wasn’t big action. It wasn’t anything drastic, but I feel much better.

This result makes me realize that I don’t have to completely upend my world to get good results. I can take small steps and feel much better as a result.

I knew this well in the past, but I somehow forgot it. That’s OK. I remember now.

Emotions

Emotions are funny things. They constantly change.

I feel weird today. I’m sad, but I’m not depressed. That’s an odd combination for me. Sadness is always accompanied by the overarching gloom of depression. Today, it’s just simple, genuine sadness.

I know what it’s about. It’s just life stuff. It’s a simple combination of living with a chronic mental illness, being part of a sexual-orientation minority, lots of change in my life in the past four or five months (new bosses at work, dating partners come and gone, new therapist, new thoughts about old wounds, etc.), and being single for a long time. None of that has an easy fix.

At least today, I’m not looking for an easy fix. I’m kind of walking through it. One step at a time.

This will pass. Emotions aren’t permanent. I’ll be fine.

Changes

There are a lot of changes happening in my life, and I’m really proud of the fact that I’m walking through it and not freaking out.

The therapist I’ve been seeing for four years suggested that I explore other therapists to help me deal with childhood trauma that is resurfacing. I went to see two new ones. One of those was horrible. She spoke for 75% of the session and spoke in very prescriptive terms most of the time. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with a therapist. The other potential therapist turned out not to handle trauma, so that was a non-starter.

I will see the therapist who’s been helping me with sleep issues this week. She’s excellent, and she does general psychology as well as her sleep specialty. It’s possible that she can help me.

All this helps me understand how difficult it is to find providers that fit. Getting a good relationship with a provider is so important and can be so hard some times.

I have a relatively new supervisor at work. She was a colleague before, and then she got promoted. Now she’s my supervisor. That change has taken a long time to get used to. It was complicated by the fact the office is reorganizing, so my position began to answer to a new level in the hierarchy. It’s all more change.

I broke up with one man around Easter time. I started spending a lot of time with another man, but that relationship was very ambiguous. I was the only one of us calling it dating. He disappeared a few weeks ago. The colloquial term used to describe a person in a relationship disappearing is ghosting. Ghosting is a form of rejection. The person doing the ghosting is avoiding what they believe will be unpleasant. The person ghosted is simply left with questions. My questions faded quickly, and I was left with the rejection. I got over it very quickly. It only took a couple of days.

I have had coffee with three new men. All those dates went very well, and one went particularly well. We’ve been out for a second date that was a lot of fun, and we have plans for more. I’m really pleased with this. He’s emotionally available. We met on a dating app, and his profile states he wants a relationship. This is a good change.

The period of extreme stress at work is completely over. I feel so much better with that behind me. I slept well last night for the first time in a while. It felt so good. I’m hoping it’s the start of a trend.

There’s been so much change in my life in the past few months. I’m really proud that I’ve managed not to go overboard with anxiety. I’m doing really well handling all this.

 

Ah Ha!

I survived the incredibly busy 3 weeks of work. It was monumentally draining. I’m still pretty tired.

The man I was spending a lot of time with has disappeared again. I’ve had one short text in two weeks, and that was ten days ago.

“The man I was spending a lot of time with…” I had to say it that way, because I was the only one who called it dating. That seems important. Hell, it is important.

I really enjoyed our time together. Honestly, he’s a good man to be around.

However, once again I’ve chosen a man who is emotionally unavailable.

I’m actually OK with the fact it’s over. I really am. I feel fine. I’ve been to coffee with two new potential men in the past two days. I have no clue if either of these will develop further. Only time will tell, and I’m completely fine with gaining two new friends out of the meetings.

And I had an “ah ha” moment:

I choose emotionally unavailable men, because I still believe that I am unworthy of love.

That hit me today. It’s startling in its simplicity. It seems completely obvious.

When a man is emotionally unavailable, it’s a form of rejection. I search for the rejection to reinforce what I learned as a child that I’m unworthy.

Today, I will step into the assurance that I am worthy of the love of a good man.

Major Change

Work has been insanely busy lately, so I haven’t had time or energy to post here. In the midst of all this, I am starting the process of a major change. I am exploring the idea of changing psychologists.

In my last session with my psychologist, it became obvious that I need something that he may not be the best person to address. I have trauma from childhood that needs healing, and my therapist readily admits he may not be perfect for the issue.

I have been seeing this therapist for four years. He’s really good, and I have recommended him a few times to people needing a reputable therapist. He’s especially good with LGBTQ issues, and I’ve enjoyed being able to talk openly and honestly about all my thoughts without having to censor myself.

In a session yesterday, I had to be open and honest that there were times I didn’t feel he fully comprehended the depth of my issue. He was open and honest in return and acknowledged that what I was feeling was quite possibly accurate.

Therapeutic relationships aren’t for life. We often have to change as our needs change. I may be approaching that now. I have made an appointment with someone who came recommended by a knowledgeable provider, so I feel good about seeing this new therapist and making an assessment.

In closing, I want to share an important realization I had in therapy yesterday. I have healed in profound ways by leaving disability and taking a job and moving. I have often wondered if I made the right decision, and I sometimes regretted it. I had a good life on disability, and I definitely could have healed, but that healing would have looked different than what I’m experiencing now. It wouldn’t have been better or worse. It would have simply been different. I can now state that I made the right decision to leave disability and take a job. That’s an important realization for me.

A Really Hard Time

I’ve been experiencing a really hard time for the past few weeks.

As regular readers know, there are many changes at work. One of the decisions of the new leadership was to move forward with a training that has been delayed for 2 years. I run this training and am excited to do it, but it means I have to rush some preparations. Some of the preparations are important.

I’m doing this one-week training on top of conducting another one-week training 2 weeks before.

I’m busy. I’m very busy.

In the middle of all this busy-ness, the bosses decided we had to move cubicles within the office taking a day away from preparation.

This sent me over the edge, and I began to experience symptoms of extreme negative self-talk. The result was that I had to take days off work due to the stress losing more valuable preparation time.

In all this I have discovered a new tool that works great! When I get an extreme reaction, I feel exactly where it is in my body. I picture its shape and color. I really get into feeling it. I then ask it what it wants me to know and what it needs from me. Every single time, it needs my attention in some way. I then give it that attention. I go further by thanking it for being brave for holding that important feeling. This always has a way of calming the whole feeling. This new tool really works!

I have no idea if the trainings are going to go well, but I’m going to show up and do my best.