I’m concentrating very hard on walking through one day at a time. Sometimes, it’s one step at a time.
I had an excellent meditation early this morning. I lost some of the peace when I went through some morning events. I was able to walk down to the cathedral during a short morning break. A quick meditation there brought back the calm.
Dating has turned my routines topsy turvy. I’m not reading on the bus in the morning. I’m texting him. It’s delightful, but routine helps aid stability in people with bipolar disorder. So I’m learning to live with the disruption. I’m trying to feel my way through the new energies that lack the old routines. It requires a lot of maneuvering to get through these energies.
The dance of my life has been staid for a very long time. I’m learning new dance moves, and this requires a lot of allowing. I have to allow newness to enter. I have to allow new people to come into my space. I had a very predictable set of daily habits that are bending and warping to the newnesses.
For the past week, I’ve been meditating on walking through it. I start each meditation with the intention of finding the energy to just walk. I’m walking through the new one step at a time. Just walking. Just one step. Each step does not carry the thought of the subsequent steps. Just one. Just this one. This single step.
I can breathe through this newness one step at a time. I don’t have to think about future breaths. Just this one breath. Just this one.
Yes, you read that right. I’m dating. It happened quickly. I’m elated at times. Other times, I’m shaking.
The man is wonderful. We met for coffee one Saturday morning after chatting on a dating app for several days. I didn’t plan it this way, but my diagnosis came out during that first meeting, and he didn’t run screaming from the room.
He’s actually very supportive. For a week, we texted often, and we saw each other in the evenings a few times. It all got quite overwhelming for me. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating, and I had to leave work early one day because I was simply not able to function. Luckily, I was able to see my therapist that day. The result has been that we’re being more careful about texting, and I’m doing more grounding exercises during my morning meditations.
The grounding exercises are key. They give me a stable foundation to each day. In my meditations, I’ve been concentrating on staying stable just one day at a time. I’m trying not to think past today.
I’ve been enjoying myself a lot. It’s been a lot of fun honestly. I’ve been alone for a very long time, so this all feels so new. I’m just walking through it one step at a time. I just keep walking.
I only have to do one thing.
I don’t have to feel completely better all at once.
I don’t have to completely heal all at once.
I can take just one small step toward feeling better and healing.
I don’t have to be cheerful and bubbly if I don’t feel like it.
I can choose to smile for just one second. I can choose to feel that smile on my face for just one second.
This morning I get to take one step forward.
Just one. That’s all I have to do right now. Just one.
Taking care of our recovery as people living with mental illness is the single most important thing we can do when we are faced with large tragedies in the news. It is vital for ourselves and our families and our communities and our nations that we continue to recover so that we can help our friends who are hurting.
My recovery is based on
- Keeping in close contact with my psychiatrist and taking the medicine that has proven to me it works
- Keeping in close contact with my psychologist who gives me a safe place to explore my experiences and my reactions to them
- Eating healthy food
- Getting good sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Making a dedicated time for meditation
Our recovery does not have to be complex. All we need is a few simple things to keep us on the road to feeling better and being caring members of our communities.
I had disembodied anxiety this morning. I couldn’t put my finger on where it was coming from.
I found myself using ineffective coping mechanisms to try to lessen the anxiety.
During my morning break at work, I went to a nearby cathedral where I sat for a short meditation. In that state, I realized this is the energy of a new kind of dating life that I’m wanting to experience. There are a lot of unknowns around my dating life at the moment, and my body was reading this ambiguity as anxiety.
I now recognize the energy as the creation of this new dating life. The energy is still there, but it doesn’t feel like anxiety any more. It’s just a kind of rustling in my stomach. It’s a little pleasant actually.
All of us have moods. We have to realize they’re not permanent.
Life is full of times when we don’t know exactly what to expect. Many times it’s simple things like how much mayonnaise the deli clerk will put on a sandwich. Will it be too much or just right? Sometimes the ambiguity will be about major topics like finances.
The weather can be a source of ambiguity. Will tomorrow by sunny as predicted? Will it rain this afternoon?
People can bring ambiguity into our lives, and our relationships can be a source of it.
I have not been good with ambiguity in my life. I feel great stress by having so many unknown things going on. I want certainty. I want to remove the guesswork. The result has been that I have felt great stress at so many things.
I have transferred my stress at ambiguous situations to other areas in order to imagine I was creating certainty. I have used shopping as one means to cope with ambiguity. It’s simple. I can decide some item will add value to my life. I search for the item. I find it. I search for the best price, and then I buy it. The whole process is a means to control this one aspect of my life while so much of my life is unknown.
I also use other means to cope with ambiguity. I want to remove the uncertainty.
Today, I can recognize when I’m trying to cope with my dislike of ambiguity. I can talk about these things in therapy, which relieves a lot of the stress. I can also meditate and release my need to control. I used to walk, but I have plantar fasciitis in my right heel preventing me from getting that kind of exercise to relieve myself.
I am grateful I can recognize when I’m uneasy today and take steps to help myself feel better.
Healing takes courage. It’s hard work to face our challenges no matter where they come from and turn them into opportunities.
We are brave when we call a doctor or case manager or a friend who supports us just to report on how we feel.
We are brave when we make an appointment with a caregiver.
We are brave when we leave the house to go to that appointment. We are brave when we ride the bus or drive our car or ride our bicycle or walk to that appointment.
We are brave as we sit and wait our turn to see the caregiver.
We are brave when we speak honestly to the caregiver about how we feel. Being honest takes the most courage.
We are brave as we follow through on the things we know will help our recovery.
To be blunt, people who live with mental illness are brave when they breathe. Life is not simple.
If you are a person who lives with a mental illness, be kind to yourself and pat yourself on the back just for getting out of bed. You deserve it. You’re doing a good job just living.