Plot Twist

I started writing this blog 8 years ago. I’ve been through a lot in that time.

I experienced dire pain that I thought would never end. I walked through it.

I lived with the dawning of hope, and I walked through the pain until I got past the dawn to the reality of the hope itself.

I found deep healing.

I am at a turning point that I could not imagine even a few short years ago. As I announced on March 12, 2018, I am dating a man. It has been very exciting. We have had two arguments. We talked each one through to resolution. I have forced myself to walk through the maelstrom of emotions all this new energy has brought up in me.

I’ve been going to my therapist weekly, but I’m back on a normal schedule of every other week. He’s kept me clear.

I do extra grounding visualizations in my morning meditations now. Staying rooted to the ground I walk on keeps me steady.

I’ve started exercising again, and it feels wonderful. I’m back to speed walking 2.5 miles every day. I want to be in top form because it means I’m closer to him.

And I’m at a turning point. It started when I realized I was nervous about the relationship. It has become important, and I don’t want to lose it. I wasn’t able to see him for 4 days, and it seemed like an eternity, and I ached. I think of him, and I get this feeling in my chest right around my heart.

I’m in love.

It’s the most incredible thing in the world. I want to share it, and I want to hide it. I want to tell everyone, and I want to whisper it to just a select few after they promise not to tell another soul. I want to cry. I want to run.

I’m exuberant.

I’m terrified.

Life has many questions, and none of the scare me at all.

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Using Tools

For about the past 4 or 5 days, I was feeling really good. I was having to concentrate hard on staying “in the now,” but it was working. I could meditate and concentrate on walking through my day until I would have another chance to meditate and refresh. At that next meditation, I could do the same thing.

Yesterday, I woke up agitated. I was not in the mood to allow life to flow. I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know the outcomes of present situations. I wanted. I needed.

I was not in a good mind space.

My strength is that I recognized it. I knew I needed help, so I reached out for it. I called my therapist, and he happened to have an opening. I jumped on it. I saw him late in the afternoon after work, and I was able to talk about what was going on.

There are a lot of changes happening in my life. I’m dating as I’ve written about here, and it’s the first time I’ve been dating in an extremely long time. There’s lots of new energy surging through my life. All this affects my equilibrium, and I know how important it is for me to stay on an even keel.

I am so grateful for the tools I have as part of my recovery. Yesterday, I recognized I was off balance, and I used a tool to help me regain it. It worked. I left the psychologist’s office much calmer.

My life is changing. Normally, that’s scary. Right now, I’m walking through it.

Rule of One

I only have to do one thing.

I don’t have to feel completely better all at once.

I don’t have to completely heal all at once.

I can take just one small step toward feeling better and healing.

I don’t have to be cheerful and bubbly if I don’t feel like it.

I can choose to smile for just one second. I can choose to feel that smile on my face for just one second.

This morning I get to take one step forward.

Just one. That’s all I have to do right now. Just one.

Facing Tragedy

Taking care of our recovery as people living with mental illness is the single most important thing we can do when we are faced with large tragedies in the news. It is vital for ourselves and our families and our communities and our nations that we continue to recover so that we can help our friends who are hurting.

My recovery is based on

  • Keeping in close contact with my psychiatrist and taking the medicine that has proven to me it works
  • Keeping in close contact with my psychologist who gives me a safe place to explore my experiences and my reactions to them
  • Eating healthy food
  • Getting good sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Making a dedicated time for meditation

Our recovery does not have to be complex. All we need is a few simple things to keep us on the road to feeling better and being caring members of our communities.

One further word

Yesterday, I wrote Try.

I grew up as a minority. I’m gay in a vastly heterosexual world. Minorities are taught we must achieve value for our existence in order to be accepted by the majority. We have to prove our right to exist. To be blunt, I must do something in order to have the right to breathe.

The idea that trying is not enough, the idea that I must triumph in order to have worth is what I’m trying to bring to light.

It’s repulsive.

Every human on Earth is worthy regardless of their level of achievement.

If you try and the outcome is miniscule, that exceeds what the Universe is asking for.

Try

Few clichés make me angrier than Yoda’s “Do or do not. There is no try.” I sit here in my imperfection, and I want the world to know that sometimes simply trying is heroic.

I remember one bout of depression that was so profound the only effort I could make was to lie on the sofa and sing “la la la” over and over. I barely had enough energy to brush my teeth. Singing “la la la” to myself while I was prostrate and immobile was all the effort I could muster.

I will not apologize for not being a superhero.

If you try to do one simple thing to take care of yourself today, you’re my hero! If you sit up on the side of the bed and stand up and walk to the sink to brush your teeth, you’re my hero! If you put on clean clothes despite the voices in your head telling you it’s not important, you’re my hero! If you wash one dish from your pile of dirty ones so you can look at a pretty plate under your cheese sandwich, you’re my hero!

All you have to do today is try! Don’t let Hollywood tell you that if you’re not a super-model or superhero, then you’re worthless. Don’t listen to the news. Don’t listen to the internet.

Don’t listen to Yoda!

If you’re breathing despite all the anxiety or depression or mania or voices, you’re a hero!

Some Thoughts

It’s the holiday season. It’s the end of a calendar year. Saturn ingresses into Capricorn in about half a day as I’m writing this. It’s a time of transitions.

I’m writing this at my desk at work, and I am enormously grateful for my life today. I am able to work. I was disabled for many years. I have a home. I have a car that runs well. I have friends. In early December, I hosted a Christmas party at my house when we came together to eat and decorate my tree. It was such a special evening.

I got to this place after many years of being in dark times. I was so low that I came very close to suicide. I have had many different changes in my medication regimen, finally settling on one that worked well. I have been radically open in my therapeutic relationships with psychiatrists and psychologists. I have meditated. I have slept when I needed it. I have exercised most days.

There is not one simple answer as to why I have recovered and am in the place I am. It’s a combination.

Each recovery is unique. We each get to search for what works for us. I am happy to share what has worked for me in this blog, and I hope it offers you some ideas.

I wish a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.