Roller Coaster

Today, I am calmly anxious. Is that possible? I am functioning and getting work done, but I’m waiting for some news. I’ve been waiting for five days, and I have to continue to wait, and that makes me anxious.

Anxiety is part of bipolar disorder that is the most difficult for me to deal with these days. The medication keeps me stable, so I don’t have the swings of depression and mania. The anxiety is different. I talk about it at every therapy session.

The current anxiety is related to something I did last week. I reached out to my ex asking if he would like to talk. Reaching out to him was a decision that took me a long time to consider. A few days later, he replied asking what I wanted to talk about, and I answered that I wished to discuss whether or not reconciliation might be possible.

There are three possible outcomes. He may not reply at all, he may say he doesn’t wish to talk, or he may say that he would like to talk. The first possibility will take longer for me to process. The other two give firmer feelings for me. Right now, I’m living in the ambiguity of waiting, which is not a space I’m comfortable in. Actually, writing about it here has helped release a lot of anxiety. That’s always true for me. Whenever I speak about a worry, it loses its power.

I’m at peace with any outcome. I’ve meditated about this numerous times and will probably repeat it more. Meditation is free and easy. It gives me clarity in the midst of the anxiety. My favorite part of it is that it is limitless. I can use it as often as necessary.

After writing, I’m calm. For the moment, I’m no longer anxious. I’m grateful for this moment.

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Moods

I wish I understood moods. I’ve been really down for about 4 or 5 days, and today I’m fine. I feel quite good. It’s not elation. It’s a bit better than simple contentment.

Perhaps I processed the grief around childhood trauma. I’m not sure. I’m not going to complain. I like this.

It wasn’t pouring rain this morning, so I was able to walk. I slept well, which is always nice. My meditation was short, but it was just as long as it needed to be.

The day is humming along.

Grieving the Past

A lot happened in my life that was unpleasant. Some of it was traumatic and caused me lasting harm. I don’t know why it’s happening now, but the emotions surrounding some core issues are surfacing for me.

I was able to get an extra session with my therapist, and he helped enormously. He reminded me the pain is in the past. I’m OK right now. I repeat I’m OK right now. Writing that helped me just now, too.

I’m grieving the pain from the past. It hurts now, but the grief will end. I know it will end.

The immediate manifestation of all this emotion is a strong desire to call my ex. He’s my ex for a reason, and calling him would only lead to heartache, but that doesn’t change the desire. It’s really strong.

Meditation helps. Therapy helped. I’ve been using medication as prescribed. It was pouring rain this morning, so no walk. I didn’t sleep enough last night, and that’s a problem. My diet is normal. I’m doing the things I need to to stay well.

I’m OK right now. And that’s all I’ve got.

A Miracle

I’m recovering from a break up that is causing me a lot of anguish. Admittedly, the grief is fading. Of course, I would like it to fade faster.

Yesterday, I had a sudden realization. Through it all, through all the turmoil, I have not once had a suicidal thought. I have had an unfortunate return of negative self-talk, but I have never once thought I would be better off dead.

The absence of this type of thought is honestly remarkable. Just a few years ago, I thought of death multiple times throughout every day. I’m in the midst of pain, but I’m not thinking about wanting the ultimate escape.

I can personally attest that recovery is real. Recovery works.

Walking Through the Stuff

My psychiatrist warned me that this break up would likely cause old feelings to resurface. He was right. I’m experiencing a resurgence of negative self-talk that I haven’t had in many years. It feels lousy.

I’m happy to report that a short meditation usually eliminates it, until it resurfaces again, and I have to meditate again to release the negative thoughts.

It’s temporary. This too shall pass, but it’s a pain right now. I’m walking though it. I have good moments and bad ones.

I think it’s a matter of perspective. I have lived through a lot of pain, but the important point to understand is that I lived through it. I lived. I survived.

I survived pain in the past. I can survive this, too.

Walking Through It

In my last post, I wrote about my recent break up. I’m still experiencing varied moods due to the end of that romantic relationship. I have good days and bad ones.

I’m happy to say I’m using the tools I have, and they help a great deal.

My most important tool is meditation. I am able to release a lot of difficult emotions very quickly and thoroughly by doing some simple meditative techniques I’ve learned over the years. I wrote about one technique in that last post.

I’ve used medication, too. I have some medicine I can take for anxiety. I have used them occasionally. I used them daily just after the break up.

I’ve spoken to my therapist often, and that helps give me clarity.

I’ve chatted with my best friend multiple times each day. He’s a rock in this situation, and I’m grateful for his love and support.

I’ve exercised a lot, too. I’ve walked and walked. I enjoy speed walking, so I do it daily these days.

I’ve been careful with what I eat. I allow myself some junk every once in a while, but I’m careful. I eat an almost completely vegetarian diet. It feels like the right thing for me to do.

I’ve been getting good sleep most nights, which is an enormous help. Sleep resets me, so I can start fresh every morning.

Yesterday was a rough day, but I used the tools, and I survived. Today feels better except for the fact I didn’t get enough sleep for some unknown reason. I’ll be fine.

I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Interpersonal Relations

Relating to people is the most difficult thing any person does. We maneuver a minefield when we try to convey our thoughts. At best, we can be aware of some of the history the other brings to the communication experience, but we can’t know it all.

We can’t know if the other person is feeling off because they were rushed in the morning. Their personal history may be a factor. Maybe they skipped breakfast and are feeling hungry. It could be a worry about a sick relative.

There are so many variables every time we want to communicate with another person. The best we can do is be sure of what we need to convey and be as careful in how we speak as possible.

I’m taking a long time to set up something that’s simple to say: I had a fight with my boyfriend. I really don’t understand why he appeared so angry. I truly don’t understand it. I tried to keep the conversation light, but it did not work.

In the end, I had to defend myself by stating I did not deserve the anger I was hearing.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’ve talked to my therapist. I’m willing to accept several outcomes. There’s an outcome where we move forward and try to help each other, and there’s an outcome where I move forward without him. That would hurt a great deal, but I’m willing to do it, if it comes to that.

What’s remarkable is I know I’m going to be OK with any outcome.

I am a person who lives with mental illness. I live in recovery from bipolar disorder. To realize I’m going to be OK is huge. I have spent years in therapy building a core that is stable enough to withstand the storms of life. Whatever happens with my boyfriend, my core is still going to be stable.

Obviously, I want to move forward with my boyfriend in my life. I love him. I love me, too. I owe it to myself to be with a man who recognizes and respects my stable core. I’ve worked hard on it. It’s firm.

While all this drama plays itself out, I get to continue living my life. I feel good.