Emotions

Emotions are funny things. They constantly change.

I feel weird today. I’m sad, but I’m not depressed. That’s an odd combination for me. Sadness is always accompanied by the overarching gloom of depression. Today, it’s just simple, genuine sadness.

I know what it’s about. It’s just life stuff. It’s a simple combination of living with a chronic mental illness, being part of a sexual-orientation minority, lots of change in my life in the past four or five months (new bosses at work, dating partners come and gone, new therapist, new thoughts about old wounds, etc.), and being single for a long time. None of that has an easy fix.

At least today, I’m not looking for an easy fix. I’m kind of walking through it. One step at a time.

This will pass. Emotions aren’t permanent. I’ll be fine.

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Changes

There are a lot of changes happening in my life, and I’m really proud of the fact that I’m walking through it and not freaking out.

The therapist I’ve been seeing for four years suggested that I explore other therapists to help me deal with childhood trauma that is resurfacing. I went to see two new ones. One of those was horrible. She spoke for 75% of the session and spoke in very prescriptive terms most of the time. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with a therapist. The other potential therapist turned out not to handle trauma, so that was a non-starter.

I will see the therapist who’s been helping me with sleep issues this week. She’s excellent, and she does general psychology as well as her sleep specialty. It’s possible that she can help me.

All this helps me understand how difficult it is to find providers that fit. Getting a good relationship with a provider is so important and can be so hard some times.

I have a relatively new supervisor at work. She was a colleague before, and then she got promoted. Now she’s my supervisor. That change has taken a long time to get used to. It was complicated by the fact the office is reorganizing, so my position began to answer to a new level in the hierarchy. It’s all more change.

I broke up with one man around Easter time. I started spending a lot of time with another man, but that relationship was very ambiguous. I was the only one of us calling it dating. He disappeared a few weeks ago. The colloquial term used to describe a person in a relationship disappearing is ghosting. Ghosting is a form of rejection. The person doing the ghosting is avoiding what they believe will be unpleasant. The person ghosted is simply left with questions. My questions faded quickly, and I was left with the rejection. I got over it very quickly. It only took a couple of days.

I have had coffee with three new men. All those dates went very well, and one went particularly well. We’ve been out for a second date that was a lot of fun, and we have plans for more. I’m really pleased with this. He’s emotionally available. We met on a dating app, and his profile states he wants a relationship. This is a good change.

The period of extreme stress at work is completely over. I feel so much better with that behind me. I slept well last night for the first time in a while. It felt so good. I’m hoping it’s the start of a trend.

There’s been so much change in my life in the past few months. I’m really proud that I’ve managed not to go overboard with anxiety. I’m doing really well handling all this.

 

Ah Ha!

I survived the incredibly busy 3 weeks of work. It was monumentally draining. I’m still pretty tired.

The man I was spending a lot of time with has disappeared again. I’ve had one short text in two weeks, and that was ten days ago.

“The man I was spending a lot of time with…” I had to say it that way, because I was the only one who called it dating. That seems important. Hell, it is important.

I really enjoyed our time together. Honestly, he’s a good man to be around.

However, once again I’ve chosen a man who is emotionally unavailable.

I’m actually OK with the fact it’s over. I really am. I feel fine. I’ve been to coffee with two new potential men in the past two days. I have no clue if either of these will develop further. Only time will tell, and I’m completely fine with gaining two new friends out of the meetings.

And I had an “ah ha” moment:

I choose emotionally unavailable men, because I still believe that I am unworthy of love.

That hit me today. It’s startling in its simplicity. It seems completely obvious.

When a man is emotionally unavailable, it’s a form of rejection. I search for the rejection to reinforce what I learned as a child that I’m unworthy.

Today, I will step into the assurance that I am worthy of the love of a good man.

Major Change

Work has been insanely busy lately, so I haven’t had time or energy to post here. In the midst of all this, I am starting the process of a major change. I am exploring the idea of changing psychologists.

In my last session with my psychologist, it became obvious that I need something that he may not be the best person to address. I have trauma from childhood that needs healing, and my therapist readily admits he may not be perfect for the issue.

I have been seeing this therapist for four years. He’s really good, and I have recommended him a few times to people needing a reputable therapist. He’s especially good with LGBTQ issues, and I’ve enjoyed being able to talk openly and honestly about all my thoughts without having to censor myself.

In a session yesterday, I had to be open and honest that there were times I didn’t feel he fully comprehended the depth of my issue. He was open and honest in return and acknowledged that what I was feeling was quite possibly accurate.

Therapeutic relationships aren’t for life. We often have to change as our needs change. I may be approaching that now. I have made an appointment with someone who came recommended by a knowledgeable provider, so I feel good about seeing this new therapist and making an assessment.

In closing, I want to share an important realization I had in therapy yesterday. I have healed in profound ways by leaving disability and taking a job and moving. I have often wondered if I made the right decision, and I sometimes regretted it. I had a good life on disability, and I definitely could have healed, but that healing would have looked different than what I’m experiencing now. It wouldn’t have been better or worse. It would have simply been different. I can now state that I made the right decision to leave disability and take a job. That’s an important realization for me.

Busy

Work is changing a great deal. There has been a change of management and a restructuring of the organization. Not only did my boss change, but my place in the structure was rearranged. The new big boss is proving to be good. She’s very vocal about praise for what we’re doing.

One of the things we’re doing is trying to pull off a training that I’m supposed to run in less than a month. This is a process that we would put six months into in the past because of needing various approvals. Doing it in a month is exciting and stressful. I’m excited to do the training, but all the planning is overwhelming. Thankfully, the new bosses understand this can’t be done alone. A team is working on it. That helps my peace of mind a great deal.

I’ve been in this job for almost four years. I basically worked alone for three and a half years. This new team environment is welcomed. I like the idea that there are people helping me to get projects moving.

All this is affecting my sleep, one of the pillars of my recovery. I’m taking some medicine to give me good nights, but it’s less than ideal. It’s not a sleep medicine. It’s simply one that has a side effect of causing sleepiness. I need good sleep, and it really upsets me when I don’t get it.

I have been doubling up on my meditation. I used to meditate only in the mornings, but I’ve added a time late in the afternoon or evening before bed. This helps me feel better. It keeps my mind clear.

I’ve also been seeing my therapist weekly. These sessions give me the opportunity to say a lot of stuff out loud that I keep within. All that keeps my mind clear, too.

My diet is unchanged. It’s mostly vegetarian with very little refined sugar. My birthday was last week, and the man I’m dating baked a cake, but he only put in half the sugar. It was still just as good.

The one area I’ve really slacked off on is exercise. I’ve basically quit. It’s not ideal, but there’s so much stuff going on in my life right now, and I’m not even going to think about it. Things will settle down in a few months, and I’ll restart my speed walking routine. I refuse to berate myself for this one point.

All in all, I suppose things are pretty good right now.

Good News, Old News

My boss retired back in the early spring. As part of the change, there was a restructuring, and my position started reporting to a new level in the hierarchy. Lots and lots of change, and I went through some stress because of it. I took some sick time and was able to recuperate.

Yesterday, the replacement was announced, and it’s good news. My position will still report to the level determined in the restructuring. Having a new big boss is good for the organization. This will allow us to move with clarity. It will also allow me to focus on a few projects that need attention.

I wish my personal life was settled. I feel adrift. Very old feelings are surfacing. I know this is a good sign in reality. It means I’ve healed a lot of the other stuff that accumulated over the years, so now I’m dealing with the real fundamental issues from early childhood. This stuff is deep-seated.

I’ve been brutally honest in writing this blog over the years, so I’m just going to blurt it out. (I’m not looking for advice, nor fishing for compliments.) I feel unlovable.

I know where it’s from. I also know it’s not true, but that doesn’t help. There it sits. It sits right in my guts. Embedded there.

Today, I’m just going to let it sit there. I’m busy with work, so that helps. I have a check-up with my doctor for some routine stuff. I’ll go home after work and sit around the house.

I know these blues will pass. That’s the key for today. These feelings aren’t permanent.

Today, I’ll be blue. Tomorrow, I’ll be cheerful.

Struggling with Meditation

This morning was the first meditation session that felt good in many weeks. I’ve been struggling to concentrate. I mentioned in a recent post that I’ve had to revert to visiting My Happy Place. It’s a way of walking toward a place of peaceful concentration. I only had to do the initial stages of that process this morning before I was able to sit and breathe and just concentrate on my breath. It felt so good.

Also, my meditations have been very brief lately, but this morning was back to a good length. It’s not great, but it was better.

Regular readers know that there are a lot of changes happening at work, in April I broke up with the man I was dating, and I’m trying to establish a new relationship with another man. All this happened at the change of seasons which is a time when bipolar disorder can destabilize. It happened to me. I was able to take some time off work and then ease back into the routine, but it was not fun.

Taking time off work for illness including mental illness is not the same as a vacation. When you’re sick, all your energy goes into managing the illness and getting well. There’s no time to relax.

I’ve got lots to do at work, and I need some guidance with how to proceed. I’m hoping for the best.