Mania 2

I’m manic. I’m typing very slowly, because I’m rather heavily sedated. I say rather, because I’m more sedated than I like. I took my morning medication and added the dose of Klonopin that I usually skip since it makes me feel drowsy, woozy, and zombie-like. I wrote about mania here in my entry entitled “Whee!” It’s a good description of what it’s like to be manic. I can’t write like that today, not with this combination of medication roiling my brain.

I’ve been manic now for weeks and reeling. I’ve spent money best saved to pay medical bills from staying in the hospital during the holidays for an abscessed tooth. Those bills are enormous for someone on a limited income. The spending isn’t really the issue for me. It’s the emotions attached to it. There’s a drive. The need to possess is fiery. (I’ve written about my brain being on fire here, too. I think the entry was titled “Brain on Fire” simply enough.) I remember when I was newly diagnosed I thought I needed a new sofa pillow. I went to the store for one and came home with about 20 or 30. Thankfully, I returned them all at the time.

I attended a very nice craft fair yesterday overflowing with local products and many pretty things. I wanted all the pretties. So many shiny objects called to me from their tables. I succumbed once. I bought a beautiful necklace with a leaf encased in gold. On leaving the booth, I turned to the lady, a complete stranger, and told her I loved her. I said it meaningfully. I professed my love to a stranger, and it startled me a bit.

Walking away, I realized that not only could I not control my spending, but my words were beyond me, too. My voice uttered anything the tongue thought necessary.

Once home, I knew I needed medication. I thought of hospitalization. The idea of taking all my pills flashed through my mind with the words, “What’s the use?”

My next thought was that I couldn’t kill myself, because I had too many pretty clothes to wear.

Saved by a gay gene. Ha!

I took the right doses of my medication last night, and I’ve done that this morning. It’s a sunny day today. I believe I’ll put on some nice clothes and go read in the park. I’m lying. I won’t go to the park, but it sounds nice. I will put on nice clothes, but I’ll stay home. With my sedated head, I don’t trust my driving. Perhaps I’ll sit in the sunny yard. That sounds like a goal that can be accomplished. It sounds attainable.

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Returning

It’s been a very busy summer for me. I did something that I love by acting in my community’s annual Shakespeare in the Park production. I live in a small town, so we do one play. It’s not a festival of plays as in some locations. This year we did Love’s Labour’s Lost. It was beautiful and a hoot at the same time. There was drama within the drama, and I’m grateful to have had the meds and support I do to get me through it.

I’m not going to write any more this evening, but I just want to say that I’ll be back.

Woot!

Sound the trumpets. Blow the horn. Dr. Seuss would say to blat your snarzle. I’m feeling better.

I needed a good day in the sun to start feeling better, and I got it today. I got out of my bed and volunteered with a local charity that I dearly love. I was in a park all day long. I forgot to put sunscreen on my  legs, so those are beet red now, and I love the pain. It’s glorious.

I’m going to hang onto this feeling for at least 2 more days, because our project lasts that long.

Getting out into the sun was a godsend for me. It broke the cycle of endless sleep that I was trapped in. It shattered the cobwebs that had formed in my head.

I moved house a month ago, and I’ve been feeling blue ever since. When I look at it, one of the reasons is because I can’t get to my favorite park as easily to do my daily walk. Well, I’m just going to have to figure out how to get to that park or a new place to walk, because I feel great. I’m getting back into the exercise game, and I’m not quitting.

If you’re feeling blue, sit in the sun. Try it. Just try it.