Oh joy

I have not been feeling completely well for a few days. I left work early Tuesday. I went in Wednesday morning, but left after just an hour. I went back in Thursday morning and left almost immediately, which I wrote about yesterday. I made an appointment to see my psychologist this morning and was really looking forward to that.

I just left his office. It was a superb session.

I was extremely irritable on the drive to his office. I am experiencing very high levels of anxiety. Also, I’m horny as hell.

Add it all up, and what do you get?

Hypomania.

Yep, I’m experiencing bipolar disorder. I have not been hypomanic for years. Honestly, it’s probably been three or four years since I felt these symptoms.

It is very uncomfortable.

Here’s what feels good: I have a plan of how to use my tools. My first tool was my psychologist. I did that, and we made an appointment for a follow up visit on Monday. My second tool was to call my psychiatrist. I did that. We decided to increase the dosage of my regular medicine. That will help. I have some anti-anxiety medicine that I can take as needed, and I’ve already taken a very low dose of that since I got home.

Another tool is writing in this blog, and I’m doing that now. I will tell my close friends what’s going on, too. They give me support, and reaching out and asking for support is important. I am worthy of support and care. I know that today.

I’m going to close now. I’m going to lie down.

Peace.

My Internalized Stigma

I am fully committed to my recovery. I can and do live a full life. I am very grateful to have a good job helping other mental health peers find their own paths to recovery.

This morning, I faced the fact that I still carry internalized stigma against mental illness.

I have been experiencing intense but unfocused anxiety for about 3 days. I left work early Tuesday. Yesterday, I went in and started work, but I left after an hour. This morning, I went in, sat at my desk, and immediately sent two emails requesting sick leave. I need to take care of my mental health.

Yet I felt guilty requesting time to take care of my mental health. I felt guilty for having debilitating anxiety.

I feel nothing when I need to take time off for a cold or worse, but this morning, I felt guilty. Something inside me said I need to be tougher. That’s bullshit.

From now on, I will not say I need to take care of my mental health. I will only say that I need to take care of my health. My mental health is just as vital to care for as my physical health. In my situation, it might even be more important.

I have taken an important step toward regaining good health. I have called my psychologist and asked for an extra appointment, and he is checking to see when he can work me in. He told me he will find the time. Therapy is an important tool I use to maintain my recovery. Getting this appointment is a signal to myself that I will do whatever is necessary to care for my health.

I am worth it.

I will continue to tell the voice that says I should be tough and not take leave to care for my health that it is wrong on every level. I am valuable. I am worth having good health.

Using Tools

This morning, my anxiety has been high. I have hopes for a situation to work itself out in a certain way in the very near future, and I’m anxious about it. Because I’m in recovery, I have experience using tools to help me cope when I have difficult emotions rolling around inside.

The first tool I used this morning was meditation, and it helped enormously. I was very calm and centered for a few hours afterward. Sitting in a quiet place and breathing helps me when I’m anxious or otherwise unhappy.

I would normally go for a good powerwalk, but my knee doesn’t feel right. I have to stay off it for a while. I’m sad about this, because exercise is a very good way to work through unpleasant emotions.

I got to work fine, and I’ve been concentrating on some tasks. That helps a great deal, but it doesn’t take my whole mind off what I’m anxious about.

So I turned to another tool: friends in recovery. I’m a member of a small group on the internet of people in recovery from mental illness. I asked them what they did to cope with anxiety. One person reminded me to take breaks from the busy-ness. I just did that. I left my cubicle and went for a walk in the sun. I went down the street to the cathedral and sat there for five minutes. It worked. I feel calm again.

I have therapy tonight, and it couldn’t come at a better time. I will be able to talk to my psychologist about what’s going on. I have found in all my years in therapy that when I talk about a problem, it loses its power. Sometimes it disappears completely.  It really works.

I do not know if talking to my therapist will cause today’s anxiety to disappear completely, but I am positive it will help.

I am grateful today for the tools I have to aid me in my recovery.

Strength in Seeking Help

I recently had an interaction on the internet with a person who is a casual acquaintance on a website we both happen to be members of. I do not know her in real life, and it’s highly unlikely that I ever will.

She posted a story that clearly demonstrated she’s living with a great deal of unresolved issues from a broken marriage. I left a one-sentence comment that she could resolve these old ghosts by seeking help through psychotherapy. Her reaction was not a complete surprise, but it demonstrates a wider problem in our world.

She was angry at my suggestion. She was incensed that I thought she had a problem that needed help. To her, living with old wounds is simply a part of life, and using psychotherapy is a weakness. She is living with a great deal of stigma against mental health difficulties as  evidenced by this reaction. In a world where mental health is stigma-free, she would not be defensive. Rejecting psychotherapy shows internal stigma against openly recognizing the value in receiving help to overcome mental issues.

The truth is it requires great strength to admit the problem exists and then to reach out for help. It requires courage, too. I have to recognize that I have something inside me that needs resolution, and I can best resolve it with outside help. In our world that devalues seeking help for mental health instead of simply pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps, the act of reaching out for help is a sign of strength and maturity.

Harboring unresolved issues about past pain is weakness. It also shows a lack of self-worth. If we truly value ourselves highly, we will take any necessary step to heal ourselves. If we do not believe ourselves worthy of good mental health, we will ignore our cries for help. We will tell ourselves we deserve to continue to hurt.

I can assure all who care to listen that it is possible to be free of pain from the past. It is possible to resolve old issues and live free and clear. It is possible to rid ourselves of our baggage. It is possible to heal our demons.

I know it’s possible, because I did it. If you search the old posts on this blog, you will see that I was mired in pain. I can state honestly today, that I am free of that old pain. I did the work necessary to heal. It was hard work, and it required courage to be open and vulnerable. Now when I feel pain, I have the tools necessary to heal it right away. I don’t let it become old. I keep myself free. I breathe clearly each day.

If you have old pain from the past, recognize it, and allow yourself to be brave enough to seek help.

Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos

It’s no secret that there is a great deal of turmoil in the world at present. There are large protests in the US. Many countries in Europe are experiencing difficulties related to the large numbers of refugees coming in. I don’t know about yours, but my news is full of stories of upheaval and tumult.

It’s very easy to become overwhelmed when the headlines are shouting about mayhem. Those of us with mental illness know the importance of remaining calm and maintaining equilibrium.

Here’s my plan.

First, I remember the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

There is a great deal in the world that I cannot change, and it is important for me to recognize where I can have an effect and where I need to release. For example, I have a vote, but I only have one vote. It is important for me to exercise my choice by voting, but I must release the outcome since my single vote will not determine any winners. I am one voice in a sea of many. I do my part and release the rest.

Second, I simply do not read all of the news. I pick and choose. I have a few topics that I am passionate about, so I read that news. I skip over the rest. As a solitary individual, there is little I can do to affect the vast majority of situations. I choose to invest my energy in only a couple of major issues. I keep myself basically informed of some of the other major issues in the news, but I simply skip over a great deal. I’m not hiding from the news. I’m editing my consumption. I act this way to maintain my sense of inner peace. I had a friend who tried to stay abreast of all the news a few months ago, and it had a disastrous affect on her mind. She was quickly overwhelmed. I protect my personal calm by limiting what I ingest from the news.

Next, I give a small amount of money to causes that I believe in. I have limited money at my disposal. I cannot give great sums to every worthy cause, so I have chosen a few that I feel the most strongly about, and I donate there. It makes me feel good that I’m helping organizations who are battling for ideas that I believe in. Helping these organizations makes me feel like I’m a part of the fight, and in actuality, I am. I am very active in theatre in my city, so I support those organizations that bring live theatre to brighten our lives. Giving them small donations helps me feel good.

Finally, I take care of myself. This is my greatest contribution to making the planet a better place for all of us. When I concentrate on being the best possible me that I can, I know that my little bit of humanity is running smoothly. Honestly, isn’t that a great gift to give the world? I like being me, and I like making me a happy member of the world. I do it by living in recovery. I have a few pillars of my recovery that I work diligently to maintain: medication, meditation, exercise, therapy, and sleep.

I am lucky in that medicine works for me, so I take my medicine as prescribed. I have friends in recovery who maintain themselves other ways than medicine.

I am also an avid meditator. I have a set routine that includes a period of meditation, and I do it every morning without fail. Meditation gives me a calm center to cling to. When I feel emotions that encroach on my calm, I know I can return to the even feelings by just doing some simple breathing techniques.

Exercise is an important part of my recovery, too. I enjoy powerwalking, so I go out for a vigorous walk 4 mornings every week. I feel exhilarated each time. It’s such a joy!

I believe wholeheartedly in talk therapy. I’ve been involved with it for 30 years. I have a therapist that I tell absolutely everything to. I tell him about all the little things in my life that arise, and we talk about how they make me feel. I’ve discovered a lot of people don’t really understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship. A therapist is not like a medical doctor who assesses symptoms and administers a cure. Therapists cure no one. Instead, they listen to my situations, and then they guide me through a discussion, until I settle on my own cure. In essence, a therapist is a guide while I cure myself.

Finally, sleep is an amazing balm for me. I am adamant that I get adequate and high quality sleep every night. It resets all my inner world, and I can start each day fresh.

These things work for me. I hope you can find the pillars of your own recovery.

Interior Wounds and Exterior Smiles

I hurt.

I have just come from a psychotherapy appointment where I laid bare my latest problems. I’m hyper-sexual, and I’m spending money.

I can’t remember whether I’ve written about this or whether that even matters, but bipolar disorder has many seasonal symptoms. I have first-hand knowledge that when the seasons change, my illness demonstrates its hold on me. I often don’t realize it, until it’s almost over or completely over. I’m in one of those periods now, or perhaps I’m coming out of it.

Hyper-sexuality and spending money are symptoms of mania, and I’m manic. My decisions are sometimes flawed now.

However, I have a resolve not to feel shame or guilt. I spoke openly about my recent sexual forays to my therapist, and I will continue to do so. Next, I have to gain the courage to call my nurse and report my mania to her. Sometimes her bedside manner is lacking, and I’m reluctant to talk openly. I am thankful to have friends, old and new. The healing began after my last post here when a correspondent wrote me offering to listen. I wrote back about my troubles. That opening allowed me to chat with my best friend without fear, and then today, I spoke at depth to my therapist.

My money situation is not a problem to my mind. I budgeted some large purchases very recently. All my bills are covered. I will not accept negative looks and judgement about my actions there.

Outside, I’m all smiles.

It’s a mask, and I’m not ready to write about it.

When Things Go Awry

I am teaching WRAP to a group. It’s my first time to facilitate a group instead of doing WRAP one-on-one with a client. We met for an hour last week to get started. I introduced myself, and we made a Comfort Contract for the class. A Comfort Contract is a group-directed list of guidelines to keep us all at ease talking to one another. I make these contracts with individual clients, too, but it’s vital for a group. Each member has to feel at ease.

We met again today, and we moved into the area of Triggers and a Trigger Action Plan. When a situation arises or an event occurs outside us that makes us feel particularly bad, it’s called a trigger. It may go so far as to worsen our symptoms. A very few examples of triggers include anniversary dates of losses or trauma, being overly tired, family friction, being judged or criticized, etc. The important thing to remember is that triggers are external to us.

In a WRAP class, we don’t stop at reminding us about the bad. We also gain power writing a Trigger Action Plan. An effective facilitator will reinforce this to the group. It’s easy to write a list of what makes us feel bad and have that snowball into actually experiencing the trigger. We take breaks, and we remember we are striving for recovery.

The Trigger Action Plan ideally contains some action to counter each triggering event or situation. Revisiting our Daily Maintenance List is high on the Action Plan. Are we doing everything we said that would keep us well? There are deep breathing exercises that anyone can learn to aid in getting through troubling emotions. Talking to a person we are close to is a valuable resource. Exercise cannot be underestimated in these situations either. The number of items on the Plan can go on and on.

The group went further today. We tackled the next section of WRAP, the Early Warning Signs and its accompanying E.W.S. Action Plan. While Triggers are external events that may cause us to feel bad, Early Warning Signs are internal. These signs indicate that all may not be well with us. Some examples are anxiety, forgetfulness, avoiding doing things on our Daily Maintenance List, increase in smoking, failing to buckle seat belt, etc.

The Early Warning Signs Action Plan is similar to the Trigger Action Plan. Each item relates to an Early Warning Sign. We may choose to meet anxiety with deep breathing or other relaxation exercises. Forgetfulness may cause us to renew our efforts at meditation. Avoiding doing things on our Daily Maintenance List is serious, and we may have to look deep and talk to a trusted friend about it. An increase in smoking may indicate a rise in stress, and we might decide to take extra rest and ask for assistance with responsibilities. Failing to buckle a seat belt is also serious, indicating a deeper issue that one might wish to bring up with a therapist or doctor.

Both Action Plans are important. They empower us. We don’t have to be hostage to our Triggers or to our emotions and their indicators.

It was at this point when things were winding down for the hour that something went awry for a participant. No sooner had I announced we were almost complete for the day, than she rushed from the room. Fortunately, this class took place at a center with lots of other people around, and one of the staff was soon by her side. She had not been feeling good since the morning, She bravely stated that her symptoms were worse. She was in distress, and the staff called an ambulance. I am sure she is now receiving the best care afforded by our local hospital.

I believe this incident illustrates why it is important to do WRAP with a certified facilitator and not alone. All people are vulnerable, and we with mental illness may have unique ones. A trained WRAP facilitator is often not a clinician but should have the experience to recognize a group member going off the beam, as it were.