I firmly believe that good sleep is one of the keys to my recovery. It’s the only time I’m completely shut down, so it’s vital that I get good sleep.
Two nights ago, the neighbor’s baby, who is the most adorable little girl, woke up at 1AM and woke me up, too. I could not get back to sleep. I got up and did my normal routine including meditation. I was functioning on a low level, but I was functioning.
I worked. I used my break times to walk to the cathedral and meditate there, refreshing myself during the day.
Last night, I crashed at 6:30 right after I ate dinner. I had to apologize to the man I’m dating that he couldn’t come by for a visit, but he was supportive and told me to get good sleep.
I slept really well and woke up in the wee hours. I got up and had a cuppa, and then I had a really good meditation. It felt so good. I wrote a good entry in my journal about it, and then I went back to bed. I read just a few paragraphs in a simple book I’m reading (by Anthony Trollope, mindless Victorian lit), and I went back to sleep and got 1.5 more hours of solid sleep. It was wonderful!
I’m at work now doing work things. Work. Work. Work.
I feel so much better than the past two days. During those days, I kept telling myself that the yuckiness would pass, and it did indeed pass.
Walk through it.
For about the past 4 or 5 days, I was feeling really good. I was having to concentrate hard on staying “in the now,” but it was working. I could meditate and concentrate on walking through my day until I would have another chance to meditate and refresh. At that next meditation, I could do the same thing.
Yesterday, I woke up agitated. I was not in the mood to allow life to flow. I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know the outcomes of present situations. I wanted. I needed.
I was not in a good mind space.
My strength is that I recognized it. I knew I needed help, so I reached out for it. I called my therapist, and he happened to have an opening. I jumped on it. I saw him late in the afternoon after work, and I was able to talk about what was going on.
There are a lot of changes happening in my life. I’m dating as I’ve written about here, and it’s the first time I’ve been dating in an extremely long time. There’s lots of new energy surging through my life. All this affects my equilibrium, and I know how important it is for me to stay on an even keel.
I am so grateful for the tools I have as part of my recovery. Yesterday, I recognized I was off balance, and I used a tool to help me regain it. It worked. I left the psychologist’s office much calmer.
My life is changing. Normally, that’s scary. Right now, I’m walking through it.
I’m concentrating very hard on walking through one day at a time. Sometimes, it’s one step at a time.
I had an excellent meditation early this morning. I lost some of the peace when I went through some morning events. I was able to walk down to the cathedral during a short morning break. A quick meditation there brought back the calm.
Dating has turned my routines topsy turvy. I’m not reading on the bus in the morning. I’m texting him. It’s delightful, but routine helps aid stability in people with bipolar disorder. So I’m learning to live with the disruption. I’m trying to feel my way through the new energies that lack the old routines. It requires a lot of maneuvering to get through these energies.
The dance of my life has been staid for a very long time. I’m learning new dance moves, and this requires a lot of allowing. I have to allow newness to enter. I have to allow new people to come into my space. I had a very predictable set of daily habits that are bending and warping to the newnesses.
For the past week, I’ve been meditating on walking through it. I start each meditation with the intention of finding the energy to just walk. I’m walking through the new one step at a time. Just walking. Just one step. Each step does not carry the thought of the subsequent steps. Just one. Just this one. This single step.
I can breathe through this newness one step at a time. I don’t have to think about future breaths. Just this one breath. Just this one.
Yes, you read that right. I’m dating. It happened quickly. I’m elated at times. Other times, I’m shaking.
The man is wonderful. We met for coffee one Saturday morning after chatting on a dating app for several days. I didn’t plan it this way, but my diagnosis came out during that first meeting, and he didn’t run screaming from the room.
He’s actually very supportive. For a week, we texted often, and we saw each other in the evenings a few times. It all got quite overwhelming for me. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating, and I had to leave work early one day because I was simply not able to function. Luckily, I was able to see my therapist that day. The result has been that we’re being more careful about texting, and I’m doing more grounding exercises during my morning meditations.
The grounding exercises are key. They give me a stable foundation to each day. In my meditations, I’ve been concentrating on staying stable just one day at a time. I’m trying not to think past today.
I’ve been enjoying myself a lot. It’s been a lot of fun honestly. I’ve been alone for a very long time, so this all feels so new. I’m just walking through it one step at a time. I just keep walking.
I only have to do one thing.
I don’t have to feel completely better all at once.
I don’t have to completely heal all at once.
I can take just one small step toward feeling better and healing.
I don’t have to be cheerful and bubbly if I don’t feel like it.
I can choose to smile for just one second. I can choose to feel that smile on my face for just one second.
This morning I get to take one step forward.
Just one. That’s all I have to do right now. Just one.
Taking care of our recovery as people living with mental illness is the single most important thing we can do when we are faced with large tragedies in the news. It is vital for ourselves and our families and our communities and our nations that we continue to recover so that we can help our friends who are hurting.
My recovery is based on
- Keeping in close contact with my psychiatrist and taking the medicine that has proven to me it works
- Keeping in close contact with my psychologist who gives me a safe place to explore my experiences and my reactions to them
- Eating healthy food
- Getting good sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Making a dedicated time for meditation
Our recovery does not have to be complex. All we need is a few simple things to keep us on the road to feeling better and being caring members of our communities.
I had disembodied anxiety this morning. I couldn’t put my finger on where it was coming from.
I found myself using ineffective coping mechanisms to try to lessen the anxiety.
During my morning break at work, I went to a nearby cathedral where I sat for a short meditation. In that state, I realized this is the energy of a new kind of dating life that I’m wanting to experience. There are a lot of unknowns around my dating life at the moment, and my body was reading this ambiguity as anxiety.
I now recognize the energy as the creation of this new dating life. The energy is still there, but it doesn’t feel like anxiety any more. It’s just a kind of rustling in my stomach. It’s a little pleasant actually.
All of us have moods. We have to realize they’re not permanent.