Coming Out

I’m gay. That’s not a surprise to regular readers. I came out many years ago.

My story is complicated as most coming out stories are. I grew up in a rabidly fundamentalist household and learned at a young age attending church that God loves everyone except gays. There was no hope of salvation for LGBT people. None.

In fear, I married a woman and fathered children. The fear and dysfunction led me to become an active alcoholic. Finally, I was unable to drink enough to relieve the fear and dysfunction. After some events in late 1998, I told my wife I thought I might be gay.

That started my coming out process. It is indeed a process, and it continues for the rest of our lives. I don’t think most straight people realize that each time a gay person enters a new situation, they have to judge the safety of the people and area and decide whether to be out.

After 21 years out of the closet, I can state with confidence that out is much better than in the closet. I am free. I am authentic. I am me. What’s more, I have wonderful relationships with all my children and also with their mother. I have good friends gay and straight. I live completely out now, and it’s so energizing.

Now, I’m just looking for a man to share my life with… I’m taking applications.

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Life Continues

Things have been rolling along in my life. I’ve had good days and lousy days, so that’s all normal. What I find gratifying in my recovery from bipolar disorder is that my bad days do not feel like the end of the world anymore. They used to feel like that some years ago.

These days, I just feel off when I feel low. I don’t know how to say it otherwise. In the past, I would feel horrible. I would barely be able to function.

Yesterday, I felt wonderful. It was Sunday, and I had a relaxing day. I read some. I listened to music. I wasted some time scrolling through the internet.

This morning, I feel off. I slept well, but I could have slept longer. Still, I’m awake and not really wanting to go back to bed. I feel vaguely dissatisfied with the fact I’m single. The result is that I’m thinking about my ex. Ugh. My thoughts haven’t dwelt on him in weeks. I only think about him when I feel off.

This too shall pass. It always does. I’ll feel fine soon. It may be just a few hours, or it might be tomorrow. I’m positive I’ll be fine soon.

I have hopes and dreams, and they are rolled up into expectations. I also live with a good amount of self-awareness, and when my hopes and dreams are disappointed, I blame myself. So this morning, I went out to get some exercise, and I could only think that nothing is going to work out the way I want, and it will all be my fault since I’m not perfect.

I am feeling very damaged.

Simultaneously, I know I’m fine. I’m absolutely fine.

I am a bundle of contradictory feelings, but I’m fine. I will be fine. I am fine.

I think I’ll just let life keep rolling.

I’m a Dunce

I drink a protein shake every morning. I started drinking them when I switched to being vegetarian. It’s a quick, easy way to get more protein.

I carry one to work with me every day and eat it with a handful of peanuts. I keep it in the fridge at work.

This morning, I got my shake from the fridge and shook it up as directed as I walked back to my desk. I opened it and sat it on my desk and turned my attention back to my computer.

I ate a few peanuts and reached for my shake. I picked it up to drink, but I shook it in preparation for drinking. Yes, you guessed it. I shook it up while it was open showering my desk, my pants and shirt, and the floor with protein shake.

Hahaha!

After I cleaned up my area, I settled down to work realizing I needed to pay attention to exactly what I was doing instead of trying to do two things at once.

Suicide Prevention

Tomorrow is National Suicide Prevention Day in the US. I am quite happy with the resource pages I have added to this blog about suicide prevention. Not every country has a suicide prevention phone line, but many do.

I understand suicide, because I was at that point once. That point is an encompassing blackness. There is no light. None. There’s not even a pin prick of light that shines. It is total blackness. At that point, suicide looks like the only solution.

I was lucky. My phone rang at the last possible moment, and I answered it.

Like all people who attempt suicide, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to stop, and I didn’t see other alternatives. I’m so grateful that alternatives were presented to me, and I found a way to begin to heal.

If you are very sad and having scary thoughts of suicide, please call for help. The numbers are on the resource pages of this blog.

Action and Emotions

Healthy boundaries are important for anyone. I don’t have the best track record at maintaining them, but I am getting better at it.

I recently put in place some new boundaries regarding two exes. The result is I feel peaceful. I took action, and it’s paying off. It wasn’t big action. It wasn’t anything drastic, but I feel much better.

This result makes me realize that I don’t have to completely upend my world to get good results. I can take small steps and feel much better as a result.

I knew this well in the past, but I somehow forgot it. That’s OK. I remember now.

Emotions

Emotions are funny things. They constantly change.

I feel weird today. I’m sad, but I’m not depressed. That’s an odd combination for me. Sadness is always accompanied by the overarching gloom of depression. Today, it’s just simple, genuine sadness.

I know what it’s about. It’s just life stuff. It’s a simple combination of living with a chronic mental illness, being part of a sexual-orientation minority, lots of change in my life in the past four or five months (new bosses at work, dating partners come and gone, new therapist, new thoughts about old wounds, etc.), and being single for a long time. None of that has an easy fix.

At least today, I’m not looking for an easy fix. I’m kind of walking through it. One step at a time.

This will pass. Emotions aren’t permanent. I’ll be fine.

Changes

There are a lot of changes happening in my life, and I’m really proud of the fact that I’m walking through it and not freaking out.

The therapist I’ve been seeing for four years suggested that I explore other therapists to help me deal with childhood trauma that is resurfacing. I went to see two new ones. One of those was horrible. She spoke for 75% of the session and spoke in very prescriptive terms most of the time. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with a therapist. The other potential therapist turned out not to handle trauma, so that was a non-starter.

I will see the therapist who’s been helping me with sleep issues this week. She’s excellent, and she does general psychology as well as her sleep specialty. It’s possible that she can help me.

All this helps me understand how difficult it is to find providers that fit. Getting a good relationship with a provider is so important and can be so hard some times.

I have a relatively new supervisor at work. She was a colleague before, and then she got promoted. Now she’s my supervisor. That change has taken a long time to get used to. It was complicated by the fact the office is reorganizing, so my position began to answer to a new level in the hierarchy. It’s all more change.

I broke up with one man around Easter time. I started spending a lot of time with another man, but that relationship was very ambiguous. I was the only one of us calling it dating. He disappeared a few weeks ago. The colloquial term used to describe a person in a relationship disappearing is ghosting. Ghosting is a form of rejection. The person doing the ghosting is avoiding what they believe will be unpleasant. The person ghosted is simply left with questions. My questions faded quickly, and I was left with the rejection. I got over it very quickly. It only took a couple of days.

I have had coffee with three new men. All those dates went very well, and one went particularly well. We’ve been out for a second date that was a lot of fun, and we have plans for more. I’m really pleased with this. He’s emotionally available. We met on a dating app, and his profile states he wants a relationship. This is a good change.

The period of extreme stress at work is completely over. I feel so much better with that behind me. I slept well last night for the first time in a while. It felt so good. I’m hoping it’s the start of a trend.

There’s been so much change in my life in the past few months. I’m really proud that I’ve managed not to go overboard with anxiety. I’m doing really well handling all this.