I have decided that I feel better.
Nothing has changed in my reality. I have simply decided that I’m feeling better. The decision makes me feel just a bit lighter. I’m grateful for that.
Last night, I went to an online AA meeting that was really good. I was able to say what was hurting me. I listened to other people talk about how they were coping with the crisis. The whole thing helped.
I had an unsettling dream this morning. I was in my father’s business, and it was empty. I’m relieved to say my dad wasn’t there like he has been in my nightmares. I went into the back of the place in the dream where a Japanese girl asked me for directions. I speak Japanese, so I answered her fluently impressing her. I tried to look for the place she was searching for on a map, but the map was of another location and not where we were in the dream. I woke with a feeling of emptiness.
I’ve decided I’m not empty. I’m light and feel good.
I have therapy today. That will be very helpful. I have quite a long list of things to talk to him about. I’m going to ask about even more frequent sessions.
I’m not at my best right now, and that’s OK. The negativity will pass.
Or as they say, this too shall pass.
I dreamt my dad sent me a packet of mail that had been delivered to their house, and he wrote a letter and included it. I read the letter in my dream, and it upset me a lot. There were other parts of the dream that I don’t remember, but one part was actually very nice. There was a baby learning to talk. It was just learning a word. I wish I could remember the word. It’s gone.
This is all part of the process of grieving and releasing. There are good days and bad days. I had a bad night. It woke me up, and I was unable to get back to sleep for many hours. I was very late for work, but I’m lucky. My work understands.
The dream is interesting to think about. A packet of mail delivered to my parents who have disowned me. I think it has to do with severing more of the ties that used to bind us. I’m cutting off more of the pain they inflicted on me for years. The baby learning to talk is me learning to live as my own person.
I slept a bit more and woke up feeling much better. I’m at work now, which is good. I’m not sitting at home ruminating about a letter in a dream.
The rest of today will be good.
It happened this morning.
I went to bed early last night feeling quite depressed. I slept well much to my surprise, and I had a vivid dream about living in a big house with electric blinds and then flying while transporting a pregnant woman. It was a dream to remember. I wrote it down in my notebook I keep in my phone. Yes, I have a dream journal in my 21st century phone.
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror this morning. I went down and made a cup of tea and started my routine. When it came time for meditation, I settled on my stool and closed my eyes. I managed about fifteen minutes of breathing amid wandering thoughts, returning to breathing and reciting a mantra I’ve learned from a correspondence course. Yes, I’m receiving instructions on meditation through the mail in the 21st century.
My thoughts wandered, and I opened my eyes. I moved to the couch, and I started to fiddle with my tarot cards. I sat there realizing all the joy I’ve felt over the past few months is completely gone – all of it – and I started to cry. It came slowly. Just a trickle. Then it came on strong, and I just cried.
I don’t really know how long it lasted. It wasn’t terribly long, but I felt utterly drained afterward.
I have therapy tonight. I have much to talk about including my anger at my therapist.
As I review what I’ve written here, my dream gives me hope. I’m pregnant with something. The flying was an escape. It doesn’t take a great deal to decipher.